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Here at Autocar, we can do football just as well as anyone.
Here at Autocar, we can do football just as well as anyone. Which is why we’re most displeased that, with the 2018 event upon us, nobody’s yet called on us to take part in anything World Cup-related.
So we’ve decided to take matters into our own hands. We’re staging our own competition – a World Cup of Used Cars, to be precise – in which we’ve given each competing nation a worthy representative, one that’s made in that country or connected with it in an important (read: potentially tenuous) way.
We’ve then sorted each country into the correct group, as per the World Cup draw, and let them play to their strengths and reveal their weaknesses. Some will shine brightly in the Russian sun and some will limp off in ignominy.
Each winner and runner-up goes through to a quarter-final, then a semi and then, of course, the final – all in the same order as in the real tournament. Oh yes, we’re doing this properly. So without further ado, let’s star t those engines and get this championship under way:
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GROUP A
An interesting group, this, pitting SUV-type things against each other. The Chevrolet TFR, Egypt’s bestselling vehicle, puts up a good fight, slugging away with grim determination, as does the light, nimble Citroën Méhari Ranger – a hard-top conversion to the famous French Moke and Uruguay’s best stab at a native car industry.
But in the end, the raw power of the oil-guzzling, sand-dune-bashing Mercedes G63 6x6 wins it for Saudi Arabia, while the Lada Niva’s stay ing power gives Russia a dogged second place to the delight of the home fans.
QUALIFIERS: Saudi Arabia (group winners) and Russia (runners-up)
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GROUP B
The latest Seat Leon Cupra R (technically now a used car given that all 799 new ones quickly sold out) manages to be irritatingly handsome and incredibly talented up front, taking an easy group win. Morocco’s Buick Phaeton, the iconic cabriolet from the film Casablanca, is super-stylish but on the pitch has no substance, condemning it to last place.
That leaves Iran’s Peugeot 405-based IKCO Samand and Portugal’s home-built UMM Alter vying for second spot. The UMM lacks the style of Cristiano Ronaldo but makes up for it with a never-say-die attitude, just giving it the edge over the Samand, whose umpteenth facelift can’t hide its advancing years.
QUALIFIERS: Spain (group winners) and Portugal (runners-up)
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GROUP C
Denmark’s entry has something of an incendiary temper, which prevents it from performing when the heat ’s on and leads to a spectacular – and very public – meltdown. Meanwhile, Australia rampage to victory in the group with one of the strongest-look ing teams in the tournament.
Peru’s entry (look, Lima’s the capita l of Peru, OK?) is swift and nimble, but its playing style is a little old-fashioned and its fundamentals are lacking, so it’s left to the sheer class of the French to nick the runners-up spot.
QUALIFIERS: Australia (group winners) and France (runners-up)
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GROUP D
Two little-known entries here, two slightly better known. The IKA Torino, Renault’s attempt to go native in Argentina, plays with flair, while the Nigerian-born Innoson G5 owes much of its training to Far Eastern coaches. Both need more time to develop, though, and flail somewhat towards the back of the group.
However, up top it’s a surprise result, as the sheer bulk and might of the Toyota Hilux Arctic Truck – which, after scaling the Eyjafjallajökull volcano, has become synonymous with Iceland (in our minds, at least) – prove decisive. The Croatian Rimac Concept One, for all its agility and silent pace, has to settle for second.
QUALIFIERS: Iceland (group winners) and Croatia (runners-up)
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GROUP E
Another evenly matched group, with low power and tiny engines the name of the game. The sheer flexibility of Switzerland’s amphibious hydrofoil car gives it an early lead in the group, but nimble Suzuki Cappuccino (they make a lot of coffee in Costa Rica…) darts around the pitch and proves strong opposition. Serbia’s Zastava Koral does its best, but has to limp out of the competition after a single game when one of its doors falls off.
Meanwhile, the deft touch and style of the Volkswagen SP2 see it climb the table steadily, finally overhauling the Rinspeed for group honours at the death.
QUALIFIERS: Brazil (group winners) and Switzerland (runners-up)
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GROUP F
South Korea’s Kia Stinger GT S is a thing of deft touch and pace, but this is a strong group. Mexico’s Vuhl is athletic; Sweden’s Koenigsegg is astonishingly quick; Germany’s Porsche 959 is a tour de force and one of the most valuable players in the world.
Can the Kia hope to compete? Perhaps – for Mexico are not the most rounded entry, while Sweden are almost too powerful in their huge crosses and cannonball volleys. Germany are the most accomplished team here, and so it proves in the final reckoning – with South Korea surprising all comers to scrape a shock second place.
QUALIFIERS: Germany (group winners) and South Korea (runners-up)
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GROUP G
Tunis? Oh, sorry – we thought you said tuners. Hence the Tunisian entry, heavily modified with an aftermarket turbo kit and nitrous, that sweeps to victory. Meanwhile, British-born but playing for its adoptive home is the Jaguar S-Type – the car most likely to be found endowed with a parcel-shelf Panama hat. Its play is, unsurprisingly, somewhat wooden, leaving it last in the group.
England’s bid, meanwhile, is almost thwarted by a high-profile celebrity crash in its first game but, true to form, they manage to save themselves with second place ahead of the closest thing to a Belgian supercar.
QUALIFIERS: Tunisia (group winners) and England (runners-up)
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GROUP H
Two supercars and a bonkers off-road rally hybrid – no wonder the car that mobilised Colombia feels outclassed here. And yet in the final reckoning, Poland’s home-grown Arrinera slips on the Renault’s trail of oil, crashes into the hoardings and is car ted off injured, taking no further part in proceedings.
Senegal, original home to the Paris-Dakar, where their entry has reigned supreme, finds it tough going – plenty of power but not much control – leaving the much-loved Renault to squeak through in second. At the top of the group, meanwhile, Japan’s Lexus LFA technological tour de force conquers all, winning every match with exacting precision.
QUALIFIERS: Japan (group winners) and Colombia (runners-up)
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A slog of a game right until the death, when the Rimac runs out of charge. The Holden takes advantage and scores the winning goal... before running out of fuel. Both cars towed off the pitch.
FINAL SCORE: Australia 1-0 Croatia
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A wet match, with the G63 the hot favourite. However, after a strong start, the Merc’s weight gets it bogged down in the mud, leaving the UMM to dance lightly across the goal line repeatedly.
FINAL SCORE: Saudi Arabia 2-6 Portugal
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
Spain progress with a bye. Before the match, the Lada is discovered to have a ZIL V8 illegally lodged under its bonnet, and the home team is disqualified from the tournament.
FINAL SCORE: Match cancelled (Russia DSQ)
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A tentative game, enlivened by one amazing goal when the SM drops its suspension to dribble between the Toyota’s wheels – enough to give it a well-deserved victory.
FINAL SCORE: Iceland 0-1 France
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A fascinating match: old class pit ted against new technology. In the end, the promising South Korean entry can’t live with the light touch and footballing nous of Brazil, and the SP2 takes it decisively.
FINAL SCORE: Brazil 3-1 South Korea
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A foregone conclusion, you’d think. But in the 32nd minute, the modified Toyota GT86 pops its turbo and has to be stretchered off, leaving Colombia to cause an upset by claiming a famous victory for its Renault 4.
FINAL SCORE Tunisia 0-1 Colombia
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
In heavy rain, the pitch becomes waterlogged; there’s disbelief as the ref orders play to continue regardless. Naturally, this gives the Rinspeed a huge advantage, which the Swiss exploit to pound Germany.
FINAL SCORE: Germany 0-3 Switzerland
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ROUND OF SIXTEEN
A real clash of the titans, this; tactics play a key role and the smart money’s on the tech-savvy LFA. But in the end, pure brawn is what seals it with an amazing last-minute winner for England and its McLaren F1.
FINAL SCORE: Japan 2-3 England
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QUARTER-FINALS
The match doesn’t start well for Portugal, with a crunching tackle adding another crease to the UMM’s bodywork. The Aussies are playing dirty, and it’s working. Two goals fly in during the first half, and a third after the break. In the 78th minute, Portugal salvages a consolation goal, but it’s too little, too late.
FINAL SCORE: Australia 3-1 Portugal
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QUARTER-FINALS
Until now, the Renault 4 has survived on pluck, lightness and simplicity. But it’s up against one of its own kind in the SP2 – and Brazil’s better. Time and again, Colombia try to run rings around the svelte VW coupé; time and again, they’re defeated. A sly chip over the Renault’s roof in extra time, and it’s all over.
FINAL SCORE: Brazil 1-0 Colombia
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QUARTER-FINALS
A classic in the making. Old vs new; experience vs power; class vs cojones. The atmosphere is electric in Sochi as Spain fly past France time and again, only for the Citroën to pull out a miraculous defence. But into the second half, the Seat’s stamina shows through as the old stager’s suspension starts to tire; first one, then a second, seal Les Bleus’ fate.
FINAL SCORE: Spain 2-0 France
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QUARTER-FINALS
A worrying start as the central driving position means England get caught short out wide and concede after three minutes. But just before half time, a leveller, and with confidence growing, a second in the 63rd. The nimble Rinspeed tries but fails to find a way back and, after 28 years of waiting, England are back in the World Cup semi-finals with the McLaren F1.
FINAL SCORE: Switzerland 1-2 England
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SEMI-FINALS
So far, the Holden’s prodigious muscle has seen off all comers. But in the first half, the lithe SP2 runs rings around the blustering Monaro, notching up two goals in the process.
In the second half, though, the unseasonably warm St Petersburg evening starts to take its toll on the air-cooled VW; with its temperature gauge dangerously close to the red, what little pace it had is gone, and Australia star t to find ways through. By full-time, it’s two-all; an extra-time winner sends Brazil home.
FINAL SCORE: Australia 3-2 Brazil
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SEMI-FINALS
It ought to be a foregone conclusion. A Seat should be easy pickings. But England are playing nervously and, by half time, Spain have sneaked one home for a 1-0 scoreline. Just after the restart, things get even worse as the McLaren spins off into the hoardings.
A second high-profile celebrity crash, right at the worst time. It’s all over. There are tears. The McLaren leaves the pitch on a stretcher, and English hearts, once again, are broken.
FINAL SCORE: Spain 1-0 England
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FINAL
So it all comes down to this. Spain's Seat Leon Cupra R start on the front foot, dancing around the Holden Monaro, its copper highlights glinting in the Moscow sun. But the brute force of the Australian car soon starts to show. A scorching run down the outside leaves the Spaniard spinning its wheels: 1-0. But Spain press forward again on the restart , scything past and finding the net with a deft handbrake flick: 1-1.
After the break, a second heavy tackle from Australia draws a yellow card; the Holden thunders its disdain. In response, it seizes on a Spanish mistake, thumping home with a gratuitous powerslide. It’s enough to seal the deal. The Holden Monaro and Australia take home the trophy.
FINAL SCORE: Australia 2-1 Spain
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